JASON VS CRADLE OF FEAR

Jason answers a quarter-century old question: What could possibly be worse than Dani Filth? A movie starring him, maybe?

A gruesome homage to the cult Amicus anthology Asylum, Cradle of Fear unfolds four “screamplays” all linked by the unspeakable need of an incarcerated child killer to wreak vengeance on those responsible for his imprisonment. Helped by deranged angel Dani Filth, who leaves a trail of charnel house death in his crimson wake, the cannibal convict forces two Goth vamps to endure a one-night stand from hell, two tough female robbers to see through each other, an obscenely rich coke-head to chop up more than a few lines and an internet surfer to descend into madness when he uncovers the ultimate web depravity.

Director: Alex Chandon

Writer: Alex Chandon

Stars: Dani Filth, Emily Booth, Stuart Laing

Picture this…

It’s 2001, and Cradle of Filth have just released the endpiece of what I would argue is one of the greatest three album runs in metal when word begins to circulate that there was a horror film in the works combining the talents of Dani Filth and Alex Chandon, who had previously directed the band in the absolutely brilliant “From the Cradle to Enslave” video two years previous. Both Gorehounds and Metal Heads (What?? They can be separate people) began to discuss the forthcoming film, one which was certain to be nothing short of a masterpiece, right?

Right?

Alas, weary traveler, it was just not meant to be.

Before we proceed, I want to address what’s coming. I’m going to say some things in the very near future, hurtful things, about a certain English musician, but know that this is done in jest, as I’m a massive fan of a majority of his band’s music, and even spent hours of my life in  the late 90’s to the mid-200’s arguing with other metalheads online that they were too a good band, stop it, so don’t think I’m just being a hater.  Also, Dani Filth is a dick-blister of a human being, so also fuck his feelings.

Cradle of Fear

IMDB rating of 4.2

You know what really ruled about the music video that this combination produced? It was fun. It was random scenes of gore, as we watched horrific fates befall anyone (mostly consisting of members of the band) that bore the mark of the Taurus, or whatever the fuck that thing is supposed to be, and while the narrative might have been a bit cloudy, the visual were spot on. It worked well and came in uncensored at slightly over five minutes.

Five. Minutes.

It turns out that using this exact same recipe for two straight hours doesn’t work out so well. Actually, the first five minutes of this movie is exactly when it feels the coolest.

I mean, there is a plot, but it’s so thin that Ozempic just hired it as their new spokesperson. Dano Filth is The Man and is on a murder spree because there is a scaryface-man in prison with a list of people that have wronged him. There is a detective that has one of the strangest arcs I’ve ever seen in any film, as he starts off literally “copping a feel” on a corpse, because he once wrongfully confirmed a child dead, and she later died in the freezer to the morgue to having him race to save his grown son from becoming a victim of The Man. The film just kind of bounces around between the three of them, each scowling in their own unique way.

The actual majority of the film not spent with blood spurting or boob heaving is spent on Dani Filth, prowling around through fog machine drenched streets, doing his absolute best to look menacing despite stand a whole five foot fuck all by widening eye and baring teeth, but with all of the threat level of the kung fu of the guy Naruto running through the hallways of his high school, so instead of an Alabaster Disaster, we get a Kill Happy Keibler Elf. I suppose it would be possible to make this character into the creator of nightmares that Dani longs for, but that would require actual writing and storytelling, and this film doesn’t have time for that, so wanker in the fog is the highest level of spooky reached. Shame really, he even wore his best contacts for this role.

For those that have spent some time in the world of Heavy Metal, this film feels a lot like the 90’s VHS releases of GWAR, but with none of the charm or humor. Production values that scream maxed out credit cards that may or may not belong to someone’s parents. Special shoutout to the car crash scene for being one of the worst special effects that I’ve ever seen, and I spent two years watching at least one Troma film a week. Acting skills to rivel those of any middle school presentation that you could think of, but I can only get so mad about this because Daniel Day-Lewis and Helen Mirren couldn’t have saved this premature ejaculation of a film.

So yeah, it deserves that IMDB score and possibly could consider itself lucky for it not being worse. It’s too long, with half an unfinished story and a lot of unnecessary run time, and the viewer feels every bit of that bloat. I watched this when it was released, and remember not being impressed, but thought maybe the years had been kinder to it to the level where I might change my stance on it, but no…it has not.

I’m not telling anyone not to watch it. There are certainly worse ways to spend an evening, and it might actually work well as a background watch, something far more passive than what I committed to. I’m sure it would be cool for newer fans of the band to stumble across this in the wild, showcasing a different side to a musician that they’ve come to admire. It might even be a good time drinking with friends. It’s just my humble opinion that this in no way makes horror films better. It just makes Cradle of Filth worse.

Jason Kuykendall has been a horror fan since the age of two, when his mother sat him down in front of When a Stranger Calls, so she began using horror movies as a babysitter. His favorite job was a mom-and-pop video store that he worked at when he was sixteen. He runs Creepy Bat Book Review but is thinking about firing and replacing himself due to how slack he’s become in his work. He’s made of 85% tattoos, 35% compassion, and 69% spite, and he also doesn’t understand math. He won’t pet your service dog, but he really, really wants to.

PLEASE NOTE: The views and opinions of the staff of Memento Mori Ink do not necessarily represent those of Memento Mori Ink or Crystal Lake Publishing. Thank you for understanding.