Ninetoes vs. AHS 13

Ninetoes takes one for the team, watching season 13 of Ryan Murphy’s American Horror Story.

American Horror Story: Season 13 (“13”) follows Ben DeSoto, a hospice caretaker with triskaidekaphobia, who becomes entangled with a mysterious client on the Apollyon’s 13th floor, drawing together iconic characters from Murder House, Coven, Hotel, and more in a hell‑themed crossover centered on the supernatural significance of the number 13.

Created by Ryan Murphy

Starring Joey Pollari, Jessica Lange, John Waters, Evan Peter, and Sara Paulson

Hey there, television lovers. It is your old pal, Ninetoes, coming to you from Ninetoes HQ. Today I am looking at American Horror Story Season 13. I have coffee in my system, and my thinking cap on, so let’s get to it!

13. Thirteen seasons of American Horror Story. This seems like a crowning achievement for a horror show. Since this is “lucky” 13, they are going to pull out all the stops, right? We are getting horrorplaooza out the wazoo, right? Guys? Guys? Where did everybody go?

I am going to come right out and say it: season thirteen was a janky mess, and that is being kind. Trust me on this. Normally, the stories for each season are well thought out and cohesive. You get a sense of where the show is going, yet there is always room for surprises.

Not this time. No, for some reason, it felt like there were too many cooks in the kitchen, making pasta, and hurling handfuls at the wall to see what sticks. Unfortunately, too much stuck.

We start with a man and woman in couples counseling. The woman LOVES the number thirteen; the man is absolutely terrified of the number. The kicker is, they have only been dating for three months. THEY ARE NOT EVEN MARRIED!!!!!!!! So, in a fit of “I’m a man and will conquer my fears.”, the man joins his love on flight thirteen, with thirteen of her friends, going through the Bermuda Triangle. God, I hope this plane crashes. Wait…the plane crashes! I am saved…nope.

Now, the man, Ben Soto, gets a job caring for a decrepit old man. Something is off with the old man, and it ain’t just warts and protrusions from the forehead. He has a daytime caregiver (Lange) and Doctor Phibes (Waters) caring for him, so Ben is on the night shift, in a creepy deluxe apartment.

Just as his story gets rolling, we are thrown into the Coven series. No, really. I took a wrong turn in Albuquerque. Did I have a stroke? No, my wife had the same stroke. Where did Ben go? Okay, onwards and downwards? Let’s see what the witches are up to…Oh, the same old, same old. Wait, what is up with the serial killers of the past? Are they coming to put me out of my misery?… Nope.

Now, we are back to Ben. What the hell is going on?!?!?!?!?!

This show took nine episodes to bring everything together. Unfortunately, by that time, I just did not care. From the multiple “Hail Satan!” rantings to the witches who can(not) save the world in a showdown with the Devil, I just stopped caring. Ready for the ultimate kicker? The show is basically about a bet the Devil made with God. If the Devil can maintain human form for 100 years, he gets to rule over the Earth. In the end, even HE did not want the job!

This is a case where less would have definitely been more. It was not necessary to bring just about every character from the past seasons into this one for a celebration. Not to mention, if you are going to do that, bring ALL of them back! Where were Dylan McDermott, Connie Britton, and Taissa Farmiga from the very first season? Where was Lady Gaga from (in my opinion, the best season), the Hotel season? So much was missing, yet it probably would have been lost in the mess that was this season.

Darren “Ninetoes” Perdue is a book and media reviewer. When he is not reading, he is watching true crime shows, cooking for his family, or working on a plan for universal domination. If you see him on his porch, say hi. He does not bite…much.

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