Uncanny Tuesday

It’s the Thought that Counts…

When you were a kid, did you eagerly await the JC Penny’s Christmas catalog so you could peruse in wonder? Then did you get out the Magic Marker and circle all the things you wanted so your parents would get the message and then relay that to Santa? I sure did. Every year I circled the Snoopy Snow Cone Maker and the Castle Greyskull and yet never did Santa bring them.

I got a pink sweater and a loom kit, which if you know me, you know. One year I did get that Barbie Perfume Factory, which was awesome because I ditched the instructions and dumped everything together to make my own toxic mixture. Again, if you know me, you know. Anyways… this week we’re talking about the MOST important thing about Christmas, which is the gifts. Obviously. Have you not been paying attention to commercials since June? Or are you one of those rich people who can afford the Hulu without commercials? Whatever. Gifts.

Last week we talked about where gift giving at this time of year comes from (Io, Saturnalia!) The gifts are to promote good harvest and wealth.  That’s evolved into appreciation and love. (CUE SARCASTIC EYEROLL)

And what are the most famous gifts in all of Christmas?

An Official Red Ryder carbine action two -hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock?

No

They came into the house and saw the young

child with Mary, his mother, and they fell

down and worshiped him. Opening their

treasures, they offered to him gifts: gold,

frankincense, and myrrh.

                        -Matthew 2:11

We’re talking about the crap the three wise men brought Jesus: Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh.

Why would anyone give a baby these things? Those are terrible baby gifts. No diapers? Not poop wipes. No stroller? Did they even look at Mary’s Target baby registry?

So, let’s look at what these substances are and why anyone would want them.

First up, gold. Yeah, no mystery here. You want gold too. Everyone wants gold. Why? Because someone way back in the day decided that it was worth something. Seriously, that’s it. Gold is pretty cool stuff though, so let’s not just discount it as being shiny.

Gold is a metal. There’s a lot of chemistry junk that goes along with that but the gist of it is gold is useful AF. It’s soft, malleable, and ductile, which means it is easy to move it and shape it into wire or thin sheets, or other stuff. It’s a good conductor of electricity and heat, and it’s highly reflective. Gold doesn’t tarnish or corrode; it’s inert and pretty much indestructible. It’s used in the electronics industry and fun fact, the visors on astronauts’ helmets were coated in a very thin layer of gold to enhance reflectivity.

The downside to gold is that because it is so soft, it sometimes needs to be mixed with other metals. By doing so you change the properties, like hardness, color, and strength. Gold purity is classified by the karat value. 24 karat gold is 100% gold, whereas 12 karat gold is 50%.

So gold is useful and valuable. And just so you know, every country in the world accepts it as payment. It’s symbolically a gift for kings. Get it? Kings? Yeah, great gift for Elvis.

As of a few weeks ago, it cost $21,000/lb., which is like, a lot.

Next up: Frankincense.

It has nothing to do with Frankenstein’s Monster.

Frankincense is an aromatic resin, harvested from the Boswellia tree. This tree grows in Africa and the southern Arabian Peninsula. It’s used in religious and cleansing rituals. It would have been used to make really expensive incense. Like, way more expensive than that crap you get at Hot Topic.

So, in this case, frankincense would have been meant as a gift for a priest, the conduit to God.

And last, myrrh.

WTF is myrrh? Well, it’s like frankincense only darker and I don’t mean in color. Myrrh is a resin harvested from the Commiphora tree. In ancient times it was used as an analgesic, especially for the mouth. People used it as a mouthwash and to treat toothaches.

The Egyptians used in it their embalming process.

When mixed with oil and other junk, like frankincense, it’s also used to anoint people, like umm… monarchs.

So basically, all of these gifts weren’t exactly a Pink Nightmare.

They were symbolic of royalty, holiness, and death, and at the time, they would have been valuable.

Fine, but still, they should have all chipped in and gotten Mary a car seat, because donkey traffic was legit dangerous.

So, if you’re looking in the JC Penny catalog and you see gold, frankincense, and myrrh don’t be afraid to circle them. You’ve got holy, kingly taste. And you won’t shoot your eye out.

Happy Holidays! I hope it’s weird!

Until next week,

Jessica