Beast of the Week: Frau Perchta

Santa. Yeah, he’s fun. He’s the mascot of the merry season, and one we see everywhere from greeting cards, to artwork, to movies, to the blow-ups on your neighbour’s lawn. But here at House of Stitched we like our Yuletide season a little darker than the jolly fat man. Krampus is a favourite of ours, but I cover him in the winter edition of House of Stitched magazine. But Krampus has some competition in the department of holiday evil. A big, badass bitch known as Frau Perchta, or The Belly-Slitter.

Where Krampus beats naughty children with chains and rutes, tosses them in sacks, and transports them to some lovely hellscape. Frau Perchta chooses a more visceral approach. Her trademark punishment is to slit open the bellies of disobedient or lazy children and restuff them with straw, rocks, and rubbage. She has been known to feast on the blood and flesh of her victims, and also takes a liking to stomping the shit out of people who offend her. She’s an all-around delight!

How is she associated with Christmas? Her name is associated with Epiphany or Twelfth Night—January 06^th. The name Perchta is a corruption of the Old High German term for Epiphany, “giberahta naht,” or “night of shining forth or manifestation”. She is known to visit homes during the twelve days before Christmas and Epiphany, doling out her punishments and accepting bribes from folks hoping to avoid her bitchiness. Mention of Frau Perchta can be found in Austria and southern Germanic folklore, but tales of her have spread all across Europe. Some know her as “The Shining One”, and there is some evidence to suggest that she started out as a goddess but was later twisted into a hag-witch when Christianity muscled pagan cultures to the side.

Frau Perchta has a particular pet peeve. She is a super fan of Epiphany, and loathes those who choose to work on this day. Interesting factoid—she takes a particular interest in spinners. No, not you, Peloton folks. Yarn spinners. If anyone dares spin yarn on Epiphany, you best be prepared to have Frau Perchta slice your belly open, yank out your intestines, and replace your innards with garbage and straw. Beware, knitters and crocheters. Other people that irritate this hag? Lazy folks. Though she wants you to take a break and feast on Epiphany, you better be working your sorry ass off any other time or she’ll stomp you into ground meat with her mangled, gigantic, taloned feet. Then she’ll commence the belly slitting and excavation and such. Another thorn in her side? Lying children. Those little punks get their tongues scraped with broken glass. And finally, introverts beware. Drop your crocheting, put aside your book and/or yarn, and socialize with friends and family during the holiday season. Or else, slit, scoop, stomp, scrape. You know the drill. 

As lovely as she sounds, Frau Perchta  is not pleasant to look at. In art, she is often depicted as bird-like, with a beaklike nose and elongated face. In fact, she has been rumoured to occasionally take flight with The Wild Hunt, or the Sluagh, which we discussed in last week’s Beast of the Week blog. She is large but hunched over, and is sometimes depicted as walking with a cane. She wears white robes which she uses to conceal her long, sharp knife. Her skin is mottled and old, and she generally looks like a haggard old crone. 

What if you want to be lazy? What if you don’t wish to put down your knitting and crocheting and socialize with that uncle who talks way too much about football and politics? Well, there is a way to appease Frau Perchta, even if you are engaging in her list of forbidden behaviours. This ol’ gal likes a good bowl of porridge. Yes, whip out the oatmeal, the old Quaker man is here to save the day! Offerings of porridge, or, specifically, Perchtenmilch, can be set aside as an offering to the holly jolly hag. If you provide this snack, she’ll let your indiscretions slide. It became custom for citizens of Austria and Germany to leave out porridge during the Twelve Days, just as many families leave cookies for Santa on Christmas eve.

Don’t feel sad for Frau Perchta. Yes, she’s easily irritated. Yes, she has lots of work to do, slitting bellies and filling body cavities with garbage, rocks, and straw. But she enjoys her work, she gets a free supply of porridge, and she is not lonely. Frau Perchta travels with friends. Dead things accompany Perchta on her hunt and share in the offerings people leave. These companions have been known as Heimchen, or the spirits of unbaptized children. She is also accompanied by Krampus-looking critters called Perchten, who also love a good oatmeal mixed with belly blood.

So go ahead and cry, shout, all the things Santa doesn’t want you to do. What’s the fat man gonna do to you? Bring less presents? What you really ought not to do is be lazy or avoid people unless you want your Christmas dinner to appear outside your body, and have your plentiful holiday body stuffed to the brim with rocks, straw, and the garbage from your grandparents trash can. Unless you’re into that kind of this. So beware, and yarn properly.