Io, Saturnalia!

Okay, so do you remember the most boss party you ever went to? Maybe it was a pizza party at Chuck E Cheese. Or a birthday party at McDonalds. Or maybe it involved a bathtub full of Purple Jesus, a llama in a tuxedo, the 80’s band, Expose, and swimming pool filled with glitter foam. Well, if you combined all those parties into one and added in Pauley Shore, then you might approach the magnificence of Saturnalia.

You’ve never heard of it? I’ll bet you have only now you know it as Christmas.

The Saturnalia was a festival dedicated to the Roman god of Agriculture, Saturn. It was celebrated during the Winter Solstice. (SOUND FAMILIAR?) Ok, there’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s get all Julie Andrews and start at the beginning, Sound of Music Style.

Saturn, the god, not the planet, was a pretty important guy to the Romans. He was pretty important to the Greeks too and they called him Cronus. Cronus was a son of Uranus (CUE GIGGLE). Cronus thought he dad was a complete douche, so he took a sickle and he castrated his dad. So much symbolism there, right? Anyhoo, off with the dad junk and the Cronus was in charge. Now he was a smartie. He figured if he had kids, they would all think he was a big of a choad as he thought his old man was and sooner or later, somebody would cut off his twig and berries too. Cronus wasn’t about that life. But what are you gonna do? Well, he married his sister and every time she had a baby, he ate the baby. His old lady was getting sick of that shit, so on the last kid she fed Cronus a rock instead. That baby was Zeus and when he grew up, he was pissed. So, he got Cronus to puke up his brothers and sisters and then they all threw down. Zeus and his peeps won, became the Olympians, and Cronus got to spend eternity in god prison. He kept his junk though, so, you know, good for him.

Eventually, we begin to associate him with time, as in Father Time, and he’s the patron of the Harvest, which was a pretty big gig. As the Romans generally did, they kind of opposite the Greeks while still stealing their cool shit and called him Saturn instead. The Romans associated him with wealth and agriculture. Harvest is generally a time of plenty (wealth) and at the same time, death, because the plants die and we kill animals and store up for the winter. That time of year in the Roman locality was December, the Winter Solstice.

The Winter Solstice is the point at which the Earth’s poles are the maximum distance from the sun. That means short days and lots of dark.  At the poles, it’s continuous darkness. Everywhere else, we get colder weather and very short amounts of daylight. Not much grows in those conditions, right? Well, if you were an ancient people who didn’t understand science, you might do some religious biznas and pray to buddy Saturn to be cool and bless you by making stuff grow again. That’s what they did. They had a gigantic party and celebrated the reversal of seasons. Down was up and Up was down.

The Saturnalia started on December 17^th and ended on the Solstice, which on the Roman calendar was December 25^th (YOU DON’T SAY).  Normally, in the temple of Saturn, his feet were bound, you know, because, control. The priests cut these bonds during the Saturnalia and thus, Saturn was ready to par-tay.  People decorated their homes with greenery, feasted, and gave gifts.  Popular gifts were candles. Seriously. They were light in the time of darkness. So, definitely don’t feel bad about re-gifting that Yankee Candle. The Romans would have loved it.

Nobody worked and that included the slaves. For the week, slaves were given time off and they were allowed to eat and drink with their masters, showing a full reversal and suspension of social norms. Each household elected a person to be the Lord of Misrule. His job for the week was to dress in ridiculous clothes, play pranks, and cause as much chaos as possible. It defied the normal world order to the Romans.

I mean, does any of this sound at ALL familiar? Decorating with green plants? Giving out gifts? Eating and drinking as much as possible? On December 25^th?

No? Okay then, I guess go celebrate your Festivus then.

Obviously, much of what we do now to celebrate Christmas came from the Saturnalia. It was the most legit party of the year for the Romans, pretty much like today except we now mark it with credit card debt and the coming of The Mariah.

Io, Saturnalia! And Happy Festivus for the rest of us.

Until next week!

Jessica